Bishop Donald Pelotte, 62, insists that his massive head and bodily injuries are the results of a fall but doctors and the police think His Excellency was worked over:

[The bishop’s assistant, Timoteo] Lujan told police he went to check on Pelotte after the bishop didn’t report for work, missed an appointment and didn’t answer his telephone. Lujan let himself into the locked home and saw blood on the tile floor below a carpeted stairway.

“I was very alarmed,” Lujan recalled. “I didn’t know what to expect.”

The police report says Lujan found Pelotte in his bedroom upstairs. The report says the bishop was “heavily bruised across the face, along the chest area, both arms, the knuckles, the legs and the feet.”

Lujan expressed concern that someone may have assaulted the bishop, but Pelotte told him he had fallen down the stairs.

Here’s the police report — which reveals yet another mystery: How can someone who writes at a 4th grade level become a Phoenix cop? — you can decide for yourself.

So what was it? Did he fall? Was he pushed? Jilted lover? Home invasion? Satan? Well, we’ll probably never know because the police are no longer investigating because of the bishop’s absolute insistence that the injuries were caused by a fall.

But the diocese is giving itself an out should the speculation continue:

The Rev. James Walker [Dy-no-MITE!!], vicar general, urged caution in speculating about what occurred. He said he believes Pelotte will tell as much as he can remember about the incident after he is fully recovered.